My Mom is Cuter Than Your Baby!

I don’t know what it is about some girls, but for some reason as soon as they’ve squeezed a mini- homosapien out of their uterus, they think that their spawn is the cutest thing on the planet, so they take a variety of pictures of their offspring and plaster them all over Facebook. They also get a mom haircut, start wearing clothes that are “practical” and lose all ability to hold a conversation about anything other then the pros and cons of delivering vaginally. It's not long before their offspring consume their facebook walls and their lives and you're left certain that they had a personality before, and you even liked them, but now, you can't quite remember what it was. Not all mommies are like this, convinced that every milestone, facial expression and bodily function is as profound to all 750 of their Facebook friends as it is to them, but I know as you read this someone comes to mind. Yes, these infants are cute and we all appreciate the occasional picture, video or quote and that’s great, but if we are putting the adorable things our family members do on display then (at the risk of losing facebook friends), I have to say that my mom is cuter than your baby!

For retired folk who are in their sixties, healthcare becomes a major concern and after a while they find themselves spending more time shopping in Dischem than in Pick ‘n Pay. This is probably what lead my mom to start watching what she thought was a documentary about a hospital. I would describe my mom as a fairly conservative person, definitely a sensitive viewer who would have an aversion to gratuitous violence and strong language, yet, when she realized that it was not a documentary but actually a horror movie set in a haunted hospital that she was watching, she didn’t change the channel. Afterwards, apart from the fact that it didn’t have the happy ending she was hoping for, she described her dismay at the abundance of unused wheelchairs. “You can just never find one when you need one!” - Stupid ghosts! 

- Now that should have made my Facebook status! – Definitely before the picture you posted of your child’s successful attempt at potty training. (Oh, I wish I was exaggerating).

When the sprogs start talking, the tracksuit wearing mommies will definitely quote their misquotes: “The bee bit me” – Ha ha, she used the word “bit” instead of “stung”, Genius! Well, my mom does the same BUT her interest in contemporary pop culture makes this far more amusing than your kid’s anecdotes about farm animals. Her misuse of terms like “jump his bones” and “friend with benefits” have made for many an awkward but funny moment. Similarly, like you, I too am often awestruck when my cute one spews random information from beyond her years (in the other direction), like when I told her how I had mistaken 2 of the members of the band “Taxi Violence” for fans of another band during an interview. She wanted to know which ones and then described each of the band members to me. I still have no idea how she knew what they looked like. - She doesn’t even have DSTV! Although if she did she would probably watch MK far more than the cooking channel.

Since that incident, whenever a song I like comes on the radio I have started quizzing her on the artists who created it. “Lawrence and the Machine” is “Florence and the Machine”, “Giraffe and Stripped Zebra”, is “Zebra and Giraffe”, and just like mommies are often the only ones who can interpret baby-talk, I know that “Eucanobus” is “Isochronous” and “Starlight Express” is actually “Civil Twilight”. The “Kongos” she gets right, she probably thinks it’s spelt with a “C”, but after she heard “Sex on the radio” on John Savage’s late night rock show, she’s a big fan. – She would probably make it her ring tone if her phone wasn’t 12 years old. Don’t make the mistake of asking her who “The Eagles” are though – she has no idea!

This woman, who enjoys crafts, bible study and loves her cat, once agreed to make me a cup of tea on the condition that I would let her scope out my facebook home page for half-naked friends with nice abs (Thanks guys). She is very entertaining and yet I don’t brag about her nearly enough. All I’m saying is, when your child gives you a gem, by all means share it with the rest of the world, but until then, stop telling us about every runny nose, every projectile poop mishap and no, I’m not going to read your “Why I love being a mommy” mommy blog – no one wants to read about the perils of teething. Go make a scrapbook!

Comments

  1. Sharon - that's a funny read!- and nice idea. i totally relate to the baby posts from ppl :) had a friend - from school who i don't even speak to anymore - who wouldn't leave me alone coz her baby was in some fashion mag competition - she was hassling me for votes for weeks! - when it came down to it I couldn't even vote for the kid coz it just wasn't that cute - gross puke!

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Sharon Waugh

Sharon is a writer, cruise ship entertainment host and freelance unicorn wrangler, living it up on the high seas. She also likes to photograph a plastic lawn flamingo in exotic locations because it seemed like a good idea 10 years ago and 53 countries later, it’s probably too late to turn back now.

 Sharon greatly dislikes reading “travel blogs” by people who are just rephrasing press releases or composing lists like “15 ways to travel the world for cheap”, specifically formulated for SEO, with absolutely no evidence that the writer has ever left their bedroom. (This is not one of those blogs.) Sharon also dislikes bigotry and referring to herself in first person, apparently.

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